Five Tips for a Lasting Marriage

My father-in-law and mother-in-law were happily married for about fifty years when my father-in-law died about four years ago. Fortunately for me, they taught their son, my husband Alex, their secrets for staying together - and staying in love - for so long:

Make up before going to bed. This is an old piece of advice, and could probably be classified as an "old wives tale" but that doesn't mean it isn't true! If the two of you get in a fight, make up as much as you can before bedtime. You don't have to forgive and forget right away, but at least re-establish the lines of communication before one or both of you falls asleep. Anger that is left to fester overnight does exactly that - festers like the relationship infector it is, and in the morning, it may be even more entrenched in your psyche than it was the night before when it was fresh. This can only lead to trouble and more silence, and before you know it, you have a serious marital problem.

At least try to talk some before you fall asleep. And by "talk" I don't mean quiet (or not-so-quiet) comments about shutting your home down for the night, i.e. "I just let the dogs out," or "Did you turn off the front porch light?" I mean talk about what the fight was about, if that's possible, or at least a soft "I love you" before you drift off. It may be the only thing standing between you and divorce.

Remember why you married. When the going gets tough and you wonder if a jury would really convict you for strangling your spouse the next time he or she leaves you a sink full of dirty dishes to load into the dishwasher, step back for a minute and remember what drew you to this person in the first place. What personality or character traits made you fall in love with him or her? Be honest, aren't they still there? And don't you still love them (and by extension, your spouse) as much as you always did? As my father-in-law told Alex many times, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Hint: most marital aggravations come under the heading "small stuff." People are quirky. Deal.

The ability to love another person, quirks and all, without wanting to change them into what you want them to be is a sure sign of a long and lasting love. Of course, there are limits. Early in their marriage, my father-in-law made the mistake of cashing his paycheck one payday, and going out drinking and gambling with his friends. Not being a very good gambler, he lost his entire pay. When he got home and my mother-in-law found out what he'd done, she literally picked him up and threw him down a flight of stairs. Can't really blame her, they had two children at the time and no way to buy groceries. He never did that again!

Small acts of appreciation. Just because you're married doesn't mean you are now exempt from appreciating what your partner does for you. If he or she brings you the newspaper, or fixes you a cup of coffee, say "thank you." Remember to say "please" and "you're welcome." Good manners don't die at the altar - they should be part of your relationship forever. How about saying, "You know, honey, I really appreciate it when you (fill up the gas tank for me, help me with the dishes, call me and ask me what you want me to fix for dinner)"? Flowers, a romantic dinner out, or a new CD by your favorite artist may be your spouse's way of saying "thank you" to you, especially if he's a guy. It would behoove you to be appreciative of these efforts. Which leads me to...

Keep it fresh - surprise! Those flowers, the romantic dinner out or the new CD may also just be your spouse's way of keeping the relationship fresh by surprising you for no reason! My in-laws raised seven children on an Army sergeant's salary, but my father-in-law still managed to whisk my mother-in-law away from the kids for a romantic meal and a night at a local hotel every so often - and not necessarily on their anniversary or other special occasion. Back when I had a "respectable" job, not the student/freelance journalist I am now, Alex would surprise me with flowers at work when it wasn't my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or our anniversary. Drove my co-workers crazy with envy - none of their menfolk ever gave them flowers "just because." Surprise your mate with a small gift, a weekend getaway, a dinner out - and make it totally random. You will likely be rewarded with a long and loving relationship.

Communication. My in-laws were really good at communicating exactly how they felt, pretty much the minute they felt it. And if they felt particularly strongly, the communication would take place at full volume. On one hand, this led to a fair amount of yelling and "clearing the air." On the other hand, they didn't hide their emotions and expect the other one to read minds and guess how they were feeling on any given subject - which is good if you plan to be happy for fifty years or more. Communication doesn't have to be at full volume, but it does have to be pretty much a constant activity - and it has to be honest. Unless you're married to psychic Sylvia Brown, your life partner cannot read your mind. I'm not saying you have to only talk about how you're feeling. Share what happened to you at work today. Have a conversation about a favorite hobby or music genre that you both share. You know how you go through your day and think, "I must remember to tell my spouse about this"? Do it. Speak up. Talk often. Stay married.

Every once in a while I catch Alex looking at me like he still can't believe I actually chose to marry and share my life with him. The look is part incredulity, part love, and part gratitude. When my father-in-law lay dying, he still looked at my mother-in-law that way, even after fifty years of marriage, seven kids, and twenty grandkids. I'm glad he taught Alex that look before it was too late.