How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
84I'm going to post the same caveat at the start of this hub that I did in my related hub, "Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship", because it bears repeating:
Although the majority of domestic abuse survivors are women, men often find themselves in abusive relationships as well. Sadly, men are less likely to step forward and get help during and after the relationship; the shame of having allowed oneself to be abused by a woman (or another man) is just too great in our culture. Even though I will be using male pronouns to refer to the abusive partner in this article for clarity's sake, it is my hope that men in an intolerable situation will see themselves in the following paragraphs and find the strength to walk away.
Let me illustrate this with an example from my own family. My brother-in-law Steve showed up unexpectedly at my husband's childhood home one summer morning last year with absolutely nothing but the clothes on his back and a junker pick-up truck with a completely empty tank of gas. He and his now ex-wife Gwen had moved away a year or two before, and no one knew where they were (she was isolating him from his family, one sure sign of an abusive relationship). Apparently he'd had a heart attack a few months ago, and, when he couldn't work any more, Gwen started beating him on a pretty regular basis. The family found out later, after he'd come home and had some medical tests, that she was also overdosing him on his heart medication - overdosing enough to kill him, which was probably her intent (life insurance payments, you know).
How did he get away? He physically up and left. Gwen called every family member she could find (some to the point of harassment) trying to reach him. But my husband's mother has an unlisted phone number, so Gwen never spoke to Steve. The space away from her gave him time to understand that the marriage wasn't worth saving and that he had, in fact, been abused.
I did the same thing when the time came for me to leave my abusive husband, Vincent. My family and friends packed me up and moved me halfway across the country. When I returned to the East Coast eight months later, I deliberately chose a place at least two hours away from my soon-to-be-ex. He knew I was back in the area, I'm sure. He had no idea how to find me.
This is important, because statistics show that the abused member of the relationship will often manage to leave her abuser, only to return again and again.
Why?
Because our abusers are really good at convincing us that the abuse is our fault, and that we deserve it for some unspecified trumped-up misuse of them and their love. And, sadly, because we love them. I'm sure Nicole Brown Simpson loved OJ, too.
So how do you physically leave?
If you are fortunate enough not to live with your physical and/or emotional batterer, lucky you. In that case, notifying family, friends and co-workers and changing your routine as much as possible should take care of the problem. You might want to consider moving to a different town or state, if you can. If you're still living with your parents, now is the time to tell them. Tell your teachers. Trust me, your abuser will never be able to touch you again.
But for those who are married and/or sharing a roof, it's a lot more complicated. So here's what the domestic abuse hotline told me when I realized I was going to have to leave my own abuser:
Make sure you always have a tank full of gas in the car. If you need to leave and leave quickly, you do not want to be stopping at the gas station a block away on your way out. It will slow you down and give him a chance to catch up with you.
Make sure there is at least $20 in the glove compartment of the car. This will help pay for food or more gas if you feel the need to travel far.
Have essentials hidden in the car or easily grab-able. These include cell phone, prescription medications, wallet, keys, and a change or two of clothes. If you have children, make sure you have clothes, diapers, pull-ups, baby food, bottles, etc. for them, too.
If he's threatened to harm your family or friends if you go, tell them. Then tell the police. There are laws against threatening people. Let the authorities know. If he follows you when you try to leave, drive to the nearest police station and sit in your car and blow your horn loudly until a cop comes out to talk to you.
Then go. Go far away. And don't even so much as look back. Especially if you have children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that abuse at the hands of someone they love, or abusing someone they love is normal? And if he's seriously hurt or killed a family pet, what's to keep him from going after one of the kids next? That was the incentive I needed to get out of my own abusive relationship: he was pressuring me to go off the pill and start a family. It didn't take me long (maybe a nanosecond) to decide there was no way I would ever bring a child into that horrible situation.
That covers the physical part of leaving. The emotional part is not so easy. I don't care how you grew up, I don't care what you've done, you don't deserve to be abused. Period. He may have you completely convinced that you're unlovable and that you're lucky he's with you since no one else would ever want you. Let me be the first to tell you: he's lying. There are nice guys out there, even if you have kids, who would love to give you the unconditional love and respect you deserve.
I should know. I found one. It took ten years, but I found one.
You can live a better life than as an abuse victim, if you have enough resolve to reach for it.
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To hell with half the house. Find a friend to come get you out of there.
Thank you. This is very well written and really hit home. I am still trying to get out. I have never had to hide bruises, but emotional wounds are also very devastating.
How does one get out when she has nothing, a loyal dog and a great job but no money. How did this happen, no friends or family. It's all been suffered in silence. I don't want to involve anyone in my situation.
sweety involving someone could be the best decision you ever made. My best friend is in an extremely abusive relationship and i just found out about it. Now she is living with me. I once knew her as the girl that was ontop of the world she had everything going for her until she met him. Now she feels as if she is worthless and even worse she was embarrassed to tell me, but i am her friend and that is what i am here for. I have watched her regain herself now and i am so impressed. Even if there are no friends you can turn to, a guidance counsilour or a police officer can do a world of difference. The government will set you up with a place to live until you get back on your feet. ABUSE IS ABUSE NO MATTER WHAT FORM IT COMES IN!!!!
i grew up in an abusive home my father felt he should be the king of the castle while we were treated less than peasants. I escaped that at sixteen only to find myself at 21 in an abusive marriage out burst were freaquent and physical abuse was from the first year in until yesterday. I Had my fill of it. I am making the first effort for him to leave instead of me, this was accompanied by a police report. This is not the type of person I intended be with. I know I deserve better. We all do. We all deserve to be treated with respect. Thank you for your inspiration, stay strong.
"Happiness is something you create within yourself, it cannot be given to you nor taken away by any other person."
I just moved to TN with my husband a little over a year ago. Its been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for 7 years of marriage, but he said moving here together would help everything, being away from friends and family who only "complicate " our marriage. I listened to him. Now I have lost 2 great jobs on his account, he wont allow me to sing anymore, all my friends I made here, he has takin me away from. We live with 2 children in someones basement apartment. He gets out daily, but Im isolated to stay in this basement with 2 children 24/7.... I had moved out and stayed with a friend I made in a nearby town, but my husband emailed me, and I wrote him back saying not to disturb me, Im getting on my feet, and our children were doing better. He tracked me down from that email/computer. I was shocked when he showed up at the door of which home I was satying at! He sweet talked, and I fell for it cuz the kids went crazy to see him. Now here I am again, in pj's all day, my job again, gone.... no reason for happiness, fights continually.... I dont know what to do. I have no money, he took all the checks i did make.... I have no car.... Im trapped. I went through a bad depression where I couldnt swallow anything cuz of all the stress going on, and my husband left me like that until my dad came for me, and helped me get better, about 6 months..... Im so afraid of that re- occuring. My children are going without everything they need, he wont even get my daughter a winter coat for school, yet he will have his beer nightly. My son is sick 2ice now with pneumonia. My husband is offered insurance at work, but wont get it. If I want my son seen, I have to run up ER bills in my name, otherwise he doesnt get treatment. My husband sees when something makes me happy, sometimes he will let me do something, or give me something that will make me so happy, only to rip it all away from me.
What do I do???
Hello To All Who feel alone. Don't! I know not everyone can get out of a situation when they feel the time is right, but i know that there are others around going through the same thing's you are and they are afraid to come forward also. I ran and hid for five years with my son. We met some wonderful people on our journey. I am now going to college and have my own place. My abuser was killed in an automobile accident 1 and 1/2 year ago. He would have killed me if he would have found me then taken my son away from my family. That was what I lived with for too long. When I left him, I knew it was not going to be easy but my life, learning how to live again has been worth the struggle. My son felt guilty for so long because he felt like he was suppose to protect me and could not. I still have problems with relationships but I don't lose sleep over it. I have me. I have life. Don't ever stay for the children, LEAVE for them.
I've been in abusive relationships before and thought I would never allow it again, but here I am again. Not only by my boyfriend but by his cousin that is married to my daughter. I want out but have no money or car. Sure could use some sugestions If anyone can help!
WELL IM 26 YEARS OLD AND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A 21 YEAR OLD I'VE KNOWN HIM ALL MY LIFE WE GROW UP TOGETHER HE HAS HAD PLENTY OF WOMEN THAT IVE BEEN AROUND AND NEVER NOTICE HIM TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON I CHEATED ON MY BOYFREIND WITH HIM FOR 2 YEARS THEN WE DECIDED THAT WE REALLY LOVED EACH OTHER AND NEEDED TO BE TOGETHER HE EVEN BEAT THE MAN THAT I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH BECAUSE HE BEAT ME UP AFTER WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 1 YEAR HES ABUSE STARTED AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE I DONT HAVE NOBODY HERE FOR ME NOW I HAVE 4 CHILDREN FROM MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND ALL ARE IN SCHOOL AND I DONT HAVE A SHELTER IN THE TOWN THAT I STAY IN HOW WILL THE CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL I DONT WONT THIS TO AFFECT THERE LIFE SO I JUST STAY IT PROBABALY WONT BE HARD TO LEAVE ITS JUST THAT I CANT PACK ANYTHING HES ALWAYS WATCHING ME I CANT WORK DO MY HAIR DRESS UP WALK FOR MY HEALTH IVE ALREADY GAIN75 POUNDS IN3 YEARS HE BREAKS EVERY CELL PHONE THAT I BY AND WHEN HE LEAVES HE TAKS THE HOUSE PHONE WITH HIM AND THE LABTOP IM TYPING THIS WHILE HE IS ASLEEP I CAN ONLY GO TO MY FAMILY HOUSE WHEN HE IS AROUND HE THINKS THAT IM CHEATING IM SO STRESSED OUT I FEEL LIKE IM IN PRISON HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WELL IM 26 YEARS OLD AND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A 21 YEAR OLD I'VE KNOWN HIM ALL MY LIFE WE GROW UP TOGETHER HE HAS HAD PLENTY OF WOMEN THAT IVE BEEN AROUND AND NEVER NOTICE HIM TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON I CHEATED ON MY BOYFREIND WITH HIM FOR 2 YEARS THEN WE DECIDED THAT WE REALLY LOVED EACH OTHER AND NEEDED TO BE TOGETHER HE EVEN BEAT THE MAN THAT I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH BECAUSE HE BEAT ME UP AFTER WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 1 YEAR HES ABUSE STARTED AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE I DONT HAVE NOBODY HERE FOR ME NOW I HAVE 4 CHILDREN FROM MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND ALL ARE IN SCHOOL AND I DONT HAVE A SHELTER IN THE TOWN THAT I STAY IN HOW WILL THE CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL I DONT WONT THIS TO AFFECT THERE LIFE SO I JUST STAY IT PROBABALY WONT BE HARD TO LEAVE ITS JUST THAT I CANT PACK ANYTHING HES ALWAYS WATCHING ME I CANT WORK DO MY HAIR DRESS UP WALK FOR MY HEALTH IVE ALREADY GAIN75 POUNDS IN3 YEARS HE BREAKS EVERY CELL PHONE THAT I BY AND WHEN HE LEAVES HE TAKS THE HOUSE PHONE WITH HIM AND THE LABTOP IM TYPING THIS WHILE HE IS ASLEEP I CAN ONLY GO TO MY FAMILY HOUSE WHEN HE IS AROUND HE THINKS THAT IM CHEATING IM SO STRESSED OUT I FEEL LIKE IM IN PRISON HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm 29 every relationship i've been in has been abusive. I have 5 children my youngest is 1. My boyfriend that I have now is the baby's father. We have been together for 3years. He always brings up my past, my ex boyfriends. He hit me when I was pregnant and last weekend we were fighting because I wanted him to spend time with me instead of watching a game at his brothers house and he hit me. We were yelling at each other and I picked up the baby and turned to walk away and he punched me in the back of my head and I fell to the ground with my son in my arms! The house we live in is my house it's in my name, I don't want to leave my children love their schools. I took his keys but he threatens to break the windows if I don't open. I begged him to leave but he just keeps coming back. I also have had my kids save me, he won't hit me in front of them. My oldest son is 12 and bigger than him, I'm afraid my son will try to fight him to save me. I just don't know what to do! He has kept me from all my friends, I don't have any friends anymore and my sister he has kept me from her too. Please help.
I was going to ask how to get out of my ABUSIVE relationship when I started reading all of these comments.... WOW !!! Ya' know, I have stuck it out with who I'm with for almost a year- waiting for that "MAGICAL TRANSFORMATION"?!!! He's always promising, always apologizing and in the end he's sitting on his rearend telling me how worthless I am-YADDAYADDAYADDA. Whatever. I just turned forty, I don't have a job, my family is beyond dysfunctional, and the friends I have left are so far removed from the situation (until I make a decision and follow through) that I find myself working through another day of crap and rationalizing - saying things like " It IS getting better" "I'm too old to start over again" " I'm the one that started the problems and pushed him too far" "my mom says to hang in there- that's just the way men are"
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LISTENING TO HIM BELITTLE AND BERRATE ME !!!! I am physically burned out from the daily dose of his hatred.
I am DONE and I don't want to talk about what he's done to me I want to get some kind of action plan together, to get me out of this insanity. Life with someone should be harmonious not chaotic or stressful !!!! I for one, am done being the victim. I want to move on even if it means I will be alone- so what, at least the constant onslaught of verbal KA-KA will be gone. Now, if anyone knows how to go about doing this- PUH-lease do tell. Thanks
I am 25, I had a BF that committed suicide (mental problems), and got in the current relationship a few months after that happened. I have 3 children(with the one that committed suicide), 7 and under. The new BF was a life-saver, at first. Now I cry myself to sleep every night, because of him.
I had a stillborn baby about 4 months ago, I believe, because of the stress of being with my BF(he was actually of some support for me, for about a week). He used to take off for days at a time, even in the late months of the pregnancy (drug problem, I think). He has stolen thousands of dollars from me, and my children. He revealed himself soon after he moved in as an alcoholic and gave up his job.
I own my home and want him to leave, he has the cops convinced that I am the crazy one.
I have lost a lot because of him, I don't have a license or a car that works, because he stole my car and wrecked it, when he didn't have a license. I have 2 cars, with minor problems (actually caused some, so he couldn't drive, I know more about cars than he does). Now I don't have a license, because he was drunk and had no license. I seem to have no hope of getting it back, at least with him around, because any money I try to save he finds and takes it.
I want him out, but he refuses to leave, and when I call the cops, they tell me if he was really beating on me I would have marks. Apparently I do not bruise easy, because he punched me in the face and I had no marks, although I felt very bruised, I was laying down, and moved my head so he wouldn't get me, but he did anyway. Another time he held me down and punched me, I managed to get my hands around his neck and choke him, enough he passed out.
He is mean to my kids, and they tell me they pretend to like him, so he won't be worse to them. They have each said something out of the blue about it.
I don't know what to do, the prosecutor in out town won't issue a restraining order for me, because the cops always say the reports are unfounded, because there are no witnesses or no marks. He waits until my kids are sleeping to beat me. He waits until I am busy and steals money and sneaks out. I have to sell things to make house payments, and have had to go do extra jobs, while dragging kids around, also.
I don't know what to do, I am at my wits end! He has ran off all of my friends and family. I was told to officially evict him, but I am terrified of the wrath he would have upon me and my children, for the time until he had to be legally out.
FRUSTRATED!!!
I'm 19 and met my partner when i was 16. I'd just come to terms with the loss of my father and it had been emotional. I met him and now i'm at rock bottom. It's not so much the physical abuse but mental abuse. I have been diagnosed with Depression and possibly BiPolar disorder. I have no one. My family have kids and literally no space for me. In there home OR there lives really. I do love him though and i don't want to leave. I'm so confused. Please help.
I have been married for 4 years and I am an abusive relationship. I left my husband our first year of marriage for abusing me but I came back against my better judgment and against every one's advice, even his own mother. When I first came back everything was great but then the abuse started again. I today have finally come to my last straw and I want out. I have no where to go and I do not have any money. He tells me all the time I can leave but I am afraid what he will do if I actually leave. He becomes physically abusive when I do not do things the way he wants me to do it or I do not respond the way he wants me to respond. He tells me I provoke him so that is why he puts his hands on me. I desperately want out but do not know what to do, please help! Any suggestions will be great.
I am 51 and have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused for 19 years (our whole marriage). Thank goodness he is only home on the weekends. I am seeing an abuse counselor. I had friends and a part-time job but he threatened my friend and the owner of the business I work for...well he threatened to cut his throat (37 calls in a row). Yes, the police were notified but as long as he didn't call them again nothing was done. I have no children but 3 dogs and 2 cats that I just cannot leave to his care. The dogs are old and I cannot see them going to an animal shelter to be put down. I also feel like I am hurting him asking for a divorce (I did ask and I was choked and my neck twisted in public...nobody helped...nobody called the police. My family and friends ar now not speaking to me because they feel I should be able to find the strength to up and leave, I CAN'T. At least not yet. He told me one day when we were discussing our situation that I "wasted" 20 years of his life if I left him. He accuses me of cheating when all I want is a happy life. Don't know the outcome yet.
Hello im 25 the mother of three children.......the two young girls belong to my husband now........he abused me all through my pregnanices........he abuses my son that is special needs......cheats on me......hits me ......gets me to swing and do sexual acts.....he treatens if i leave he is going to kill me and the kids................dss was involved last time and took my kids for a few months becauase i was so afraid of him i would not leave.....he is 38 a nurse can you belive that ......I get abused everyday and now my 4 year old son is doing it to my 2 year old daughter.......please help is there anywhere i can go ......to where he wont kill us
you never know what to do and when your kids adore the man then what thats there daddy, you have no money, car is in his name you have nothing shelters are full. he has made sure your family is gone and as far as friends go he makes sure you have none .people wonder why people are in these relationships well there is no way out if he knows your getting close to leaving then there is always some where else to move and everyone thinks hes an angel well maybe i am the problem who is stuck in this to the day i die i will continue to put my fake smile on and act as if everything is soo great
I have been married for four years. Been with my husband for 8. Things were emotionally and physically challenging before we got married. I guess I thought no one could cross that line, or he wouldn't , once we were married. Naive, I know. Now we have a fourteen month old. He started abusing me consistantly about a year after our wedding. It started with him complaining I didn't have sex with him enough. It is something that has never been said to me before. We got married when I was 36. I have had plenty of relationships, with NO complaints, ever. We had sex plenty when he was doing this complaining. Dispite that and the fact that he was yelling at me constantly that I do nothing right and no one can stand me, I stayed. Slowly he started getting physical with me, pushinge down, locking me out of the house, grabbing my arms and throwing me, ect ect. Then he just realized that if he antagonized me enough he wouldn't have to start the physical part. I have never had anyone come at me like that, so I don't know how to react. I can be on the floor balling and he will stand over me calling me a victim, and antagonizing me ny calling me my mother who is a manic depressive or worse! I was pregnant before my daughter, and had a miscarriage. We were fighting during my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my daughter we fought then as well. He even hit me in the face when I was 5 months. I have called his mother, my mother, my father,my brother,and told a friend. I think other friends/ co- workers are catching on, but nothing said. My family all tell me to leave, but I have a great job, and I have great insurance that I need for my infant! I can't just walk away from what I have earned! And he sure won't leave, he says go ahead and divorce me, I will take our daughter. He was raised in an abusive home. His father beat him before he was one thru seven. Then hisother marred a drug abuser who almost killed him, and was always " grounding" him for months, yelling at him and his mother. When his mother left him, finally, years after my husband had graduated and left, her family was afraid he'd kill her. He yells, hits, strangles me around my infant daughter. She jumps in shock. I feel like he has already destroyed a part of her. I always have bruises on me and tonight he almost broke me finger trying to get my keys to take my daughter and leave. We are at my fathers house because he is having heart surgery. He almost died and then had phycotic reaction to meds while in hospital, I was up 24 hours watching him so he would do something to make them restrain him. Then I come back to have my husband complain that I won't take care of the baby so he could get sleep. When I told him to just go to bed he picked up my daughter and got IN my face and started in on me. He threw his cola on me, locked me out, grabbed my hair and threw me to the ground all with her in his hands. She was in SHOCK. I am in a strange town and I tied of calling family only to upset them twice as much as I get. I feel suicidal often, because I think my daughter will blame me for all this and maybe if I am gone he'll stop being this way. He loves her, and I don't think he'd ever hurt her.but hurting me is something that comes easily to him. I feel trapped and scared. I'm paralized. I am able to handle a lot myself, but I can't allow what he I'd doing to our daughter state of being. I could, obviously go on and on. This is just some of it. I need advice, do I go to a lawyer. I don't have that kind of money.?!?!?!
Hello,
First off, leaving and abusive relationship is hard. Your emotions are telling you one thing to not go because you have this emotional attachtment called love. And you you can't process the loss. Our mind loves to avoid loss. So, we stay in abusive siturations because we don't realize our worth, and we don't realize we deserve respect.
I had to leave an abusive guy. I met him when I was 18 and he first started out with calling me names and making my self-esteem go down. First, he basically called me a slut and whore and then said it was only a joke and not to care. He would then give me fancy gifts like a car and bought me an apartment and gave me money. But then he felt he had the right to control my life. He viewed me as stupid and liked to enjoy bullying me so much that I would hate myself. I wanted to hurt myself all the time. And now looking back i'm in a healthy state of mind and I realize I was hurting so much I was trapped isolated alone dependent on him that he wanted unequal distribution of power and would do everything in his power to make me weak insecure and not care about myself.
All of the women in the post. I feel for you guys. It's terrible. But the hardest but best thing you can do in your life right now is leave. Don't listen to your emotions! Think logically...your emotions have lied to you and are not helpful in the abusive relationship. Logic is telling you to leave...what keeps you from leaving? Your feelings for this jerk, this asshole this guy who does not give a damn about you. A guy who wants to make you worthless. Don't waste your life.
Believe in yourself. You can do it. I know you can. And you will suceed. You must leave. And when times are hard and they will be realize you did the best thing. After you leave, seek professional advice on how to deal with the loss and grief of the relationship and the dreams and hopes you had. TAKE TIME to take care of YOURSELF and start thinking positively and realize you are talented women for making the right choice to leave.
Well i have been with my abusive patner 5 years have 2 boys age 2 and 7 there has been pysical verbul shouting damage of my property i have left loads times and always got bk with him or locked him out but he breaks in i am depressed and i realize that it not doing me or the boys any good i want him to go wot do i do
Why is it hard to leave I will tell you because when you are thousands of miles away from any family you have NO friends, and Nine children were not allowed to work, or talk to people, even your family had to be on speaker phone how does one escape with NINE children safely!? you get help right the first chance you get huh well That is what I did and This is where it got me NO CHILDREN can't even feed my infant have not even seen my children in a week. I left my abusive husband and CFS or DFS said they would not help us get away went to the police after fighting for 23hrs They arrested my husband but then let him go because the children would not speak in fear of "losing me forever" Then when they saw me they spilled everything. However because My husband reported that he was to disabled to be abusive and that it was me who was abusive CFS was called in and from that point on it has been a nightmare. CFS is trying to get the kids in Permanent care not due to any abuse from me but because they claim I can not protect my children from my abusive husband. I left him 3 times this last time we did a wack of counseling --Marriage counseling - individual Counseling with a forensic Physiologist- he completed his Anger management courses -- And we both took parenting courses as well We ran a Day home for the RCMP for almost 4 years our relation ship was good for almost 6 years, and then He started to get controlling then verbally abusive then instead of him beating me this time it was our children. So Now that I have left and wanted to go home to the US one lady says she wants to get the kids home and the Supervisor wants to take them forever. I have done a lot of work trying to get us all out safe, return them all to school, set up resources such as counseling services due to the abuse, set up shelter supports from my parents, the church, and other family and friends yet She says I am still not protecting them. I am so upset and confused that All my efforts to get us safe and support has been demolished through the supervisor it is unbelievable, and appalling that Because we asked for help that they would take another direction instead. I have not even been allowed to breast feed my infant and this was my last chance to bond and experience this and they have taken that away too. My emotional train of thought is a wreck I can not sleep and can't eat. I have lost 14 lbs in 6 days. I have tried to explain that the reason I went back to him is because Promise of change the first 2 times I had no support and was unaware of this Thing called the "honey moon cycle" the third time I was aware and Demanded change and steps to change before we made a decision kids don't really understand and it was too hard for me to hear them say I broke our family and that it was my fault we did not have a dad because I left him. Things went well for so many years So why change now why risk everything. Now the children are at risk because I tried to do the right thing and I feel soo shitty because I promised my children we would always be together and that if we told the truth nothing could keep us apart. Yet we are still apart and I have not seen my children in over a week. I am searching the Internet like crazy for help And getting the run around from lawyers I had one decline to help me he said my case is to complicated due to needing a divorce, protection order as well as Dealing with CFS and he would not get paid enough to even fill out my paper work. Imagine that an attorney that puts a price on children's lives they were not worth his time because he would have been paid through legal aid services. Any ways I better get back to work and stop thinking of all this before I can't see to do the research.
Im 18 years I have two children 2 years and 4 months, I met my partner when I was 15, He used to abuse me pyscically because he was so jealous and controlling he used to accuse me being with his family members when i was completely faithful he stopped did time, I gave him one more chance stupid enough thinking he would change, now im abuse mentally with death threats, he thinks i cheat when i dont, im completely scared. I try to leave him but he won't leave me alone. I feel so alone, im embarrased to talk to anybody and let them know i been abused.. I need out im crying for help deep inside i feel alone.
How do I get out of my abusive relationship without losing my daughter? She is just over a year old & DCF has already been in our lives before. They warned us that if there was even one report of abuse they would take her away. So how am I supposed to leave & get help if I am only going to get into trouble for doing so? I don't know what to do!!!!!!
i was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 6 months. the warning signs were ever so slight but they all added up and realized 2 weeks ago that this man was a narcissist and a manipulator. i left with a safety plan.
way to go to everyone on here for being your own best friend. nobody is in your relationship but you and therefore YOU must save yourself. confide in people you trust and ask for the support you need when you are planning your exit. safety is paramount...
My warning signs:
* within weeks of meeting he was buying me wedding magazines...he's trying to make you believe he is a good man and wants to marry you. DONT BUY INTO IT... ITS A TRICK.
* he appeared to be highly romantic, no flaws, his life was perfect and everyone around him was perfect... he wants you to think that he has no emotional problems and that everyone loves him DON'T BUY INTO IT... ITS A TRICK
* he met my family immediately and was incredibly charming, this behavior he showed to any close friends i introduced him to... he wants to charm your family so that when you come back to them with questions about his behavior and abuse they won't understand because they have seen the charm he needs to show them in order to keep abusing you.... DON'T BUY INTO IT ... IT'S A TRICK.
* he began to make small requests about people in my life old friends close or not and didn't want me to keep in contact with them he gave me reasons that he didn't trust them with me... he is an insecure person, he is obsessed with control and knowing everything about you- especially your vulnerable qualities, he will then manipulate you into believing that he is requesting this for "the safety of the relationship" .... DON'T BUY INTO IT... IT'S A TRICK.
* he became verbally threatening and used language that nobody close to me who loved me would ever use... once he feels he has you in his grasp things will only get worse. His language and anger would dissipate followed by extreme remorse and romance and fake love... he blames you for the outburst and that all he wants is to make you happy and give you everything... DON'T BUY INTO IT... ITS A TRICK.
* he wanted us to move in together almost immediately, he began looking for apartments and made it appear as if it was all about making a life together and "us being happy"... living with you is key to his breaking down of you, he can monitor you, try to manipulate you to giving up your finances, show his aggression in a place where he has you in a cage with no where to go... GET OUT !!
My story is the same as everyone's ************* these people are predators of the mind****************** You must trust yourself and speak to people you trust early on to check in with "what is normal" take mental notes.
Keep in mind he is always trying to keep your head fuzzy... you are either up in the clouds with him or he has dragged you into hell and you can't even figure out what for???????? this is the cycle of abuse. The sooner you recognize it the better chances of getting out early. Once marriage and children are involved he has you trapped ( or so he thinks ) that's why he will either try to marry you right away or get you pregnant.
I am incredibly grateful to my family and close friends. When i realized the abuse, which happened when i was away from him for a few days under his belief that i needed to spend some time with my family was when i became very clear that what was happening was " abuse " When i revealed the behavior to my family they believed me immediately and helped me exit the relationship safely...
IT IS VITAL TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP SAFELY. what does this mean? he must not have any inclination you are planning to leave. This will cause him to try to use any manipulation he has, or even violence in order to keep you from leaving. His behaviour will only get worse if he knows you are leaving.
Steps to leaving safely:
1. Confide in people closest to you that you trust. Family, close friends... keep in mind that he has manipulated them to some extent so if they do not believe you, find someone who does !! Contact the womens shelter, distress centre, call 911 and tell them you need somewhere to go because you are leaving an abusive relationship. Sometimes in crisis strangers can give you the best advice for help. They have no bias.
2. Determine a time of day that the abuser isn't home if you live with them. Once you know he has left and he feels " all is well with you @ home " get any personal belongings and get out.
3. If you are getting help from a friend, ask them to contact a friend of theirs that neither you or your abuser knows. Stay with them until you have made your next plan. Get the police involved immediately. Fill out an information report stating the nature of the abuse and fear for your safety. This will help you start the legal process to protect yourself.
DO NOT MAKE ANY CONTACT WITH ANYONE THAT YOU OR THE ABUSER KNOWS.
He will go through every contact he knows trying to locate you. The friend that has helped you can then tell them that they don't know where you are either... you are safe. He will call you, text you, threaten you or try to charm you back. DON'T BUY INTO IT... IT'S A TRICK.
His behaviour will not change... you are now in control, this will scare him but you are saving yourself so stay strong and be still in your pride that you got out. Stay away from any of the areas you would go with him, he will begin frequenting them hoping to see you there. Change your routine, let your work know what is going on, quit your job if you have to- this is about your life and safety. Money comes and goes but you don't !!!
Find counselling immediately. Google: womens shelters (in your city) and access the support you need to stay out. Abusive people will not change !!! You will go through a process of "de-compression" with counselling. One minute your mind will try to say he's not a bad guy, the next minute you will feel rage. This is normal, you have left a relationship where your mind was played with. That is abuse.
To help you see the abuse, write down on a piece of paper... the lowest moment in the relationship. Write down how it made you feel and state that his behaviour was abuse. Any moment where he is trying to call you or has texted you, bring the paper out and read it to yourself. Again, be still and proud of yourself. DO NOT KEEP IN ANY CONTACT WITH HIM.
YOU SAVED YOURSELF AND YOU ARE STILL SAVING YOURSELF...
Begin to plan your life abuse free. If you have to leave the city for your safety then do it...
Trust your intutions about how to stay safe, sell your car or change it, change your cell phone number, have a safety plan if you see him out- if he approaches you tell him you will call the police and do it !! He is frightened and insecure, show him you are strong and will protect yourself. Get a restraining order, keep the police aware of your situation so they know how to best protect you. THIS IS NOW ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE FREE FROM ABUSE. You have the power, breathe and trust in yourself that you did the right thing. YOU DID.
Blessings,
Loni
xoxo
yes i agree that we hesitate to come out of abusive relationship We should be mentally strong and have self respect. We may take som time but it is possible to live life with respect and peace.
So I have been married since 2004. I left my husband a year ago for giving me a fat lip and then I came back. Of course he is still mentally, emotionally abusive. He has not hit me yet. We have two children. My oldest is nine. She has severe Cerebral Palsy and epilepsy. When I try to leave the shelters are full. I have no friends because everytime I began a friendship, he had a problem with the person. My family has sort of just given up. They really dont want to be involved. He makes me feel like if I was cleaner, wore more makeup, was a better mother we wouldnt be going through this. I know thats not true but it hurts so much. I have had to leave all of my jobs. But he wont work. He sells items at the fleamarket and thats how we survive. I love my girls more then anything. I just have nothing. How do you leave with nothing? I truly have nowhere to go. I pray everyday that God will drop a bag of money into my lap so I can run. But it never happens. I hope somehow I can make my own light at the end of the tunnel. I have to somehow. Thanks for listening....
This hits way too close to home for me. I was in 1 abusive relationship before and now im finding myself in another. he has a crimminal record from his juvenile years, that i didnt know about, and now its coming out. he was NEVER like this until i had my daughter. i was forced to quit my job because he couldnt handle her, and im afraid sometimes. we have so many good days but then it gets turned around. he says he wont do anything to my daughter but he threw our cat more than once, thankfully shes not hurt. if i go anywhere especially to my familys he will blow up their cars, houses, and who knows what else and he will harass my friends until they have to give in, or he will find them on his own. he has conections to get what he wants, and there really isnt anyone who can help. im unemployeed which means no money, and right now he is using my car to get to work, the best part is someone got ahold of my bank info and over drew my account to were i cant pay it off right now and it keeps getting higher in payment. im hoping something will happen to help me out but so far nothing good has happened except for those good days. i want to feel and experience happiness again.
I've been in an abusive relationship for almost four years. I've tried to get away several times but he has chased me and took me in every time. And then I got pregnant, I haven't had any support within hands reach to be able to get to a clinic to take any birth control pills and he started to refuse using a condom anymore. I just felt hopeless and I didn't want him beating me up anymore. Now I just recently lost my condo in miami beach at 37 weeks pregnant because he failed to pay all of our rent for each month. He trusted our slummy land lord, thinking he was cool enough with him to not pay him in full every month. We lived there for 2 1/2 years and went out of town to visit relatives. I contacted the land lord three days before coming home to notify him that I had paid the rent for that month this time. We returned back home three days later....a 20 hr drive from houston,tx....only to find our parking spot in use and our lights on from the balcony. Went up to see what was going on and found that someone was staying in our home on another lease!! Our lease wasn't up for another 6 months and there was no eviction paper work. I went to the police station and the land lord did not file anything for putting us out and stranded with no where to go and nobody to stay with. We had to stay in hotel rooms, until we could figure out what to do in the mean time. Then I had my baby three weeks early under so much stress & had to have an emergency c-section. He kept telling me not to have the c-section, but I had to do it. I didn't want to put my unborn baby in danger. And while I was in the hospital getting treatment he kept on telling me that it was all my fault that the baby was in the NICU. He went back an fourth to go visit the baby and all the nursing kept on telling me how good he was wit the baby, one even asked me if we were married, where we met and that he was such a good catch. I wanted to throw up. After I had my baby, he began again....hitting, kicking, and slapping me. Called me names all the time, that I'm fat yet I am 5'8 tall and weigh 160, when before I weighed 130. How could he call me fat? He calls me stupid,retarded,faggot,weirdo. I just don't know how I've been able to go through with it, for what feels like so long. We are now staying with his parents waaay out in the country (wharton,tx) and I have tried to leave with my baby the few times I had a chance and he has stopped me once again, every single time. All his friends and family live on the block, so I can't run to a neighbor. I can't call the police, I've done that before in the past and they won't help me get away. They took pictures of my bruised up face, made the report and when I begged for a ride to a safe place, they told me no we don't provide that kind of service. I'm left here hopeless with my 1 month old baby with no one to turn to and no way of getting somewhere within walking distance to escape from him. He sometimes has someone looking out to make sure I don't leave when he is away.
Is there anyone who can help me?????? I need a ride to the houston hobby airport to go stay with my family in the pacific northwest. Please help!
I am with a man that has done alot of time in prison.he blames me for some time he did.he screamed at me for my sister aborting his baBy.he stressess me I dont know what stress is.he gives me anxiety every day.his family fight every da but then everything seems okay.im constantly confused . He drinks alcohol with his brother every chance he gets which is almost every single day.his brother choked me.they call me names,bitch,cunt,pussy,assface,slut.i have so much pain inside.they say im just a hole. They acuse me of things that are not true.i hate them all and I feel like my blood is boiling and my body is tense all day every day.on top of this I have depresion pyschotic dissorder manic depression compulsiveness anxiety nausia.in the end of all the kaos when I am alone I lay here confused and I dont want to be here and I wNt to run away but I am scared to live in a shelter where I might not get along with anyone just as it is here.i am so tited all the time .i have no job because I have been mentally dissabled for four years waiting forfor social security.it always seems like Im the only one who feels screwed up.i feel better alone.as a matter of fact I would love to be alone.but my man makes me feel like hes"the only one" to protect me I am still scared to leave. He has protected me but hes also driving me to the point where I am so tired of his shit I am strong enough to leave.i am just scared not knowing whats going to happen when I do leave?the same old hate relationship.it hurts so to think all of this to feel like I cant defend my self. I hate him for making me feel angry and for screaming.i was NEVER all about fighting and screaming. For what and right now hes having a good ol time outside talling and
Hello
I met and married my husband all within 5 months. Its been about a year now. My husband cannot drink alcohol or his true colours show. It started on our honeymoon, well there were signs before then but I guess I chose to ignore them. Driving down the interstate with his hand over my shifter so I could not drive the car, swearing and calling me names and screaming in my ear for 4 hours while driving. Threatening to get us into an accident, all of this because I didnt want to have sex at 3am. When we got home he was the best husband ever.. making up for everything he did and promising to never do that again. The next time was physical, grabbing me and pretending to head butt me over and over, pretending he was going to punch me in the face over and over, slamming my phone off his forehead repeatedly. I managed to get away from him long enough to call my sister and she called police when she heard me screaming. He had me pinned down on the bed in a rage. The police came and I was the psychotic one he said. I left for a month.. he was sorry he said.. never happen again, will quit drinking, go for councelling.. that never happened and we bought a house a few months ago. One month ago, he was drinking whisky (alone) and he started to get nasty. The name calling began and when I stood up for myself and video taped him on my phone, he grabbed me by the back of the head and slammed me into the floors, walls, stairs.. left a bald spot in the back of my head, gave me a fat lip and the worst.. he was smothering me, his hand over my nose and mouth so I could not breathe and thought I was going to die. Both our kids were in the house. i got away and ran for my life that night.. He got 8 months probation and all charges with be withdrawn once he completes his probation. Im left with panic attacks, no job, no money, my son and I had to move. Thank god I have good family and friends who have helped me out. It makes me so mad though at myself that I sit here and miss him..all the good things.. There will never be a time where I will go back to him but it is a daily struggle.
NEVER GO BACK! Stop thinking idealized thoughts of him. The real person IS the violence and cruelty and chaos.
FIGHT for a better life for your child. Go to the nearest battered women's shelter and try to sign up for free counseling. BETTER YOURSELF! Get a job with decent people.
GO TO COLLEGE, even if it is one course at a time. If you smoke, STOP! If you are heavy, start today, one choice at a time, to lose weight. Keep your child around people who do not live with drama. Go to a good church with educated people who DO NOT teach that the men are in charge. You need to be free from that mindset. Presbyterian (liberal) and United Methodist Churches are often safe places. It will give your child structure, expose him/her to higher class people. FIGHT for your life! The best thing you can do for your child(ren) is to be come a role model of success and STABILITY. Even if you have no material goods, volunteer through your church to help others. It will help you mentally. NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO THINK OF YOUR EX AGAIN! Do you want your children behaving like that in a short time? He or she WILL be ruined by being exposed to that. You go, girl! GO GO GO!
I'm leaving him
He just kill me inside with all his abuse, I don't want him around my kids he pulls my daughter hair when she don't pick her toys he scream loud to my son and he hit me when he feels I need my family so much but they are in south america I don't have no family here I don't want to take my kids to a shelter
I am 20 years I got kick out when I was 15 thats how I met my husband I dnt hate him I love him so much ...he treats me like shit he says I am worthless he dont want to be with me..he hits me everyday I am 5 months preagnent and he dnt stop I am alone I have no friends or family ..no money no car .he hits me like if I was a man I begg him to stop I sometimes hide in the closet until he sleeps . I dnt know where to go or wat to do ...please help I dnt want to loose my baby...
I never understood before why women stayed/returned to their abusive husbands. It's been a few months and I am still away from him. Every day is a struggle. It's amazing how over time you start to regress and think about the "incident" and how maybe it was not so bad. I re-read what I wrote a few posts up and even to me it sounds insane. I come from a good background, government job, college. etc.. Why do I still think of all the good things about him? I understand the cycle now and am grateful to be able to talk to the counsellors and other women in the same position.
Lonely.... If you REALLY REALLY want to leave.. you will. It will be hard, very hard but you can do it. Go to your local womans shelter if you have no family or friends who will take you in. Talk to people about your situation, let everyone know whats going on, call the police, the road is a rocky one but you have not only yourself to think about but your baby as well. You could lose the baby in a violent rage with him or you could lose your baby to Childrens Aid.. or you could start a new life with just the two of you. It's a mind set.. it's a struggle and it will be worth it in the end because you are BEAUTIFUL.. you are very much WORTH it.. you don't deserve to hide in a closet or live everyday scared of whats coming next. It's hard.. but you can do it. If you don't.. please have a safety plan in place..
My husband of 19 years is disabled, and has a most hateful mouth. He yells at me daily now. I work full time, and part time and look after him as well. My mother is dying and when I go to the hospital to see her, he calls over and over again saying nasty things to me. Then he calls her and is all charming, as he is whenever there are other people around.
We own property together as well as pets. I have to find out how to either get him out of the house, or where I can take the animals. He will never get better. I tell him, it's not your disease, it's your mouth that makes me want to leave. On a good day he will admit he has anger issues. He's been told by 3 doctors that he has anger issues and he needs anger managment. He just tells them to f off and never goes back to them.
Everyone feels sorry for him because he's disable and I'm supposed to be Florence Nightengale and just turn the other cheek, but let me tell you, after 19 years of this, there is no other cheek to turn. I know if I leave at some point the caregivers that are hired will notice and possibly he will be put in a nursing home. It's where he really does belong at this point. He admits on good days that if it weren't for my constant good care, he would have been dead years ago. He's now like a toddler who has multiple tantrums daily. I am searching on the internet for how to leave a disabled abusive person, but all I really get are "disabled people being abused" Why is it never about the caregiver whose has given up their life to be abused...
I wish to god I had answers, I just came to the realization I found no out, as I thought I did. I'm not even sure what site I'm on. Lost, yes. do I care anymore, I cant even feel, infact I feel numb right know.I was born may 11th 1967 just turned i think 45. My mind is is a mess, I begain receiving my abuse from the day i was born, God for some reason granted me a couple yrs freadom yet joke on me. Then what I thought was a man given to me by god turnes out as another evil spirit, satin nocking at my door. I was born unwanted, hated and will die a thousound times worse. This man i am with has found a way, to work his magic around proof of falt, for me this seems more difficult. this pain is more chalenging. Can you see I even forgot how to spell. I have lost all my ability. He's married, seporated prior to our meeting. says it doesn't matter. A vetern he is, yes it matters she gettes his benifiets, not me even 8plus yrs with him, yet does he care, no. Yes I terribly in sadeness hate to say he went to prison, fliping houses, realestate, that is legal at this time. yethe does nothing. Okay please let me explain my place. Im not from ca. as he is. Mw uptate ny. Confind, abused, torchured, yet somehow I at some point a yr or so after I meet this man things seemes searien. as I placed myself in a majore time out for some time to find my self, my meaning, my peace. Yet It seems jokes on me again. He has me working as a slave, to surcome to all he needs. Im tired so tiered. Please forgive me, its ard to right this due to he is only 3 plus feet from me as I write this, I just atempted to turn the monitor away fro his view,I was in the wrong, yet thank goodness he had an email himself come up that took priority from me.This email will be short lived. so all i can say to all other woman, ladys, girls. Yes men, and boys and oher others because each one of us matter, no matter what anyone says. Fight, Believe, till the end. At least the end will bring you back wre you began, God's arme.
Sorry I hade tostep away for some time, I got cought.The yealing is tixic to me. how to stop all this. I have never been one to? forget it time to say good by again he's back To much I have t o many health problems as it is, why, i dont need to deal with this also. good luck god be with all of you, please hold strong, I cant anymore but maby you all our future cane
All of the tips listed were, like, get in your car and leave. Well, what if you have no car, and no friends, and no family you can count on? What if your whole life depends on him? What if the only thing you can do is go into a shelter, but even then you can't because you have his child and another on the way? What if DCF has already been involved and has warned you that if anything ever happens again, they will take your children? Sometimes, there are no choices, and that sucks.
Colleen tasa 4 years ago
I find myself back in an abusive marriage after 3 months of hospitilization for bipolar illness. I figured coming back to a familiar home beat going to a shelter. I find myself bing eating & think that i have for sure gained 20 lbs in the last weekend alone. I feel completely alone & I feel he takes no responsibility for his past violence. My husband appears to be behaving like a complete angel, except for an outburst which he eas very sorry for on Saturday. My Self esteem is low & I find it hard to leave the house. I had much more confidence when I wasn't here. I really hate myself for thinking coming back here would be better. I feel like I am such a weak human being ~ I just felt like "Hey I own half this house & why should I go without, but it's my soul that's really hurting,... Please Help