How to Politely Turn Down A Date

For some reason, gay men who like big, dark, fuzzy guys are occasionally attracted to my husband Alex. It doesn't happen so much now, but before we were dating, he was frequently hit on by guys. I've heard the story about a camping event he attended with a group of friends: Alex apparently made the mistake of saying that he knew someone back home named Randy. This was misinterpreted as he "knew" Randy - "knew" as in the biblical sense - and he spent the rest of the weekend politely turning down all sorts of interesting offers from various gentlemen who found him attractive.

"Polite" is the key, here. My spouse is not at all attracted to members of the same sex, but he admits he was rather flattered by the interest. He'd say, "Thank you, but I'm straight," and that would be the end of it.

There's no law that says you have to go out on a date with anyone and everyone who asks you. However, there's also no law that says you have to be rude when turning him or her down - unless he or she is somehow being rude in asking you out!

So, drawn from my own experiences and those of my friends, here are some do's and don'ts for turning down a date:

Don't turn and physically run away as if all the hounds of hell are suddenly at your heels. Yes, this actually happened to someone I know.

Do keep your "no, thank you" short. No matter what your mother may have taught you, you don't owe anyone an explanation. If you don't have the quick and painless not-interested-in-their-gender excuse (No, thank you, I'm gay. No, thank you, I'm straight.), it's not polite to babble on for five minutes about why you're not interested. On the other hand:

Do be honest and say, "No, thank you, I'm not interested" if you feel the situation merits it.

Don't say yes with the premeditated intention of not going through with the date. Rude, rude, rude.

Do try to smile when you turn him or her down. There's nothing to be gained by frowning or scowling, no matter how much you want to.

Don't laugh at them. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out. If you don't think so, try it some time! A derisive bark of laughter is just...wrong. So is laughing behind his or her back with your friends later - on or off the Internet. Everyone deserves to be turned down in a way that allows them to maintain their dignity.

Do let him or her know if you're saying "no" solely because the timing is wrong: you were just dumped yesterday, your goldfish died, you've just joined the Peace Corps and you're leaving for Borneo in a week. If you'd love to go out with this person at a more precipitous time, say so!

Don't let him or her think it's going to be a romantic date when you know you never want to be more than "just friends." Let your intentions, or lack thereof, be known.

The Golden Rule applies here: Turn him or her down in the way you yourself would like to be told "no" if you were the asker. There's no reason to deliberately hurt someone's feelings just because, for whatever reason, you're not interested. Karma's a real bitch - next time you ask someone out, you could be the humiliated one.

Think about it.