The Best Ways to Say "I'm Sorry"

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By Rhomylly

Apologizing after I've screwed up big time with my husband Alex is the just about hardest thing for me. Feelings of pride, self-righteousness, and self-defense are strong in me (duh!), and admitting I was wrong sometimes puts me in a too-vulnerable position. I hate to do it. I hate to be wrong, and I sure as hell hate to be vulnerable!

You're probably the same way.

So how do you say "I'm sorry" and move on after you've horribly (or even not-so-horribly) hurt your sweetie? Well, the words themselves are a pretty good beginning. They're even better when you add what you did to the sentence - just so he or she knows exactly what you're apologizing for. Say, "I'm sorry I forgot or anniversary," or "I'm sorry I lost my temper last night."

It helps if, before you apologize, to try to spend some quiet time alone honestly analyzing why you did what you did. For example, the other night Alex and I got into a fight triggered by, of all things, something clumsy (but unintentional) our two-year-old did. Suddenly we were cleaning up the ensuing physical mess and blaming each other. At full volume. Given enough time to calm down and ask myself "what the hell was up with you, Rhomylly?" I came to the following conclusions: one, he threw a towel at me (because he was pissed) and that one small act triggered a domestic violence survivor's rage. I'm not proud of my reaction, but it's what happened. Two, my parents recently visited. My first husband David and I used to fight, twenty-five years ago, whenever I'd recently spent time around my mother; he claimed I would act more like her for a while. Since my mother is a control freak who alternately and constantly blames, overshadows, and totally dismisses my father as an irrelevant, stupid, waste of space without even realizing she's doing so, this is not exactly a compliment. And since Alex was basically telling me the same thing - that I was acting like my mother - I really had to sit down and give that some serious thought. The next morning, once we were calm, I told him he was right - and that I was sorry.

Also, a small token of affection would not be amiss when you're apologizing. The next morning after our fight, Alex took the whole family out to breakfast at our daughter's favorite Scottish restaurant - McDonald's. This means I was spared my daily battle to get my daughter to eat something, anything before noon. Plus, we all started our day actually sitting down together as a family, which, with our schedules, doesn't happen as often as I'd like. It was a small thing, but it meant a lot to me. Buy him a CD by his favorite artist. Take her to a movie. A tangible token of your remorse will go a long way.

Hugs and cuddling help soothe the hurt, too, and make the "I'm sorry" more effective, along with the words, the self-reflection, and the small monetary gesture of apology. Don't be surprised, though, if she cries on your shoulder, or if he hangs on to you a little harder than he usually does.

But the best, best way to say "I'm sorry," and mean it, is to learn from your mistake and work hard not to repeat it. That will mean more to your sweetie than words or a gift ever will - believe me!

Comments

Veronica profile image

Veronica Level 1 Commenter 4 years ago

Wow.

See, I'm the opposite, I have no problem saying I'm sorry, and I tend to say it quickly and sincerely, and then feel like a weight is lifted.

But WOW, this explains alot about some of the people around me whom I think are like you with this. Thank you so much for the insight!!!

Rhomylly profile image

Rhomylly Hub Author 4 years ago

You're welcome! I hope it helps you as much as it helped me to think about all of this and write it down!

DaviD 3 years ago

I totally agree, axpecially with the last part: That is the real advise to give, cause excuses would be usless without changing! Although saying "I'm sorry..." tells other that you've start to change!

hotchoc26 3 years ago

this helped alot thanks now i can stand a chance!

Jay 3 years ago

Hey Rhomylly...thanks. Those are the EXACT words I needed to hear to know that things will be alright. I hurt my sweetheart really bad last night by bringing something up that I let bother me (involving another guy), knowing VERY well that she would NEVER hurt me. It hurt her so bad that I was even thinking that way. The weird thing is, I bought her roses and had them delivered to her at work earlier that day, so when it was all said and done she thanked me for those and smiled.

But here's a question...we live an hour and a half away from each other. We always iChat, but I wanna do something sweet for her today. What's worse is I leave for NYC tomorrow for work (the second time in two weeks) and won't be back until next week!

What can I do? Something that really says, "I know I screwed up, but I love you more than you can imagine"?

Thanks

faith 2 years ago

You are very right...it's almost exactly what I do when I'm wrong.

Ashley 2 years ago

Wow....I really messed things up with my boyfriend today and I think your last statement was the best one. Sorry is just a word but the feeling you have behind it, the one that drives you to not make the same mistake twice, is the true apology.

Twinkle 2 years ago

Hey, watch this video, it’s a very creative way of apologising to your loved one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjHAgPM37rg

Thank you.

jessica 2 years ago

It great, I mean It's good:)

me! 22 months ago

omg!!!! this article is sooo me!!! i completely understand it!!! i have a TEMPER and when i am mad i just LOOSE it and i hate that!! i love my husband (his name is also alex) soo much and ive said soo many hurtful things to him ive pretty much told him every mean thing you can think of.. but thats when im so mad i just cant control myself... but when im fine, the guilt is just horrible because ive hurt the one i love.. but my stupid pride gets in the way... he also tells me i am like my mother, and that is NOT a compliment (belive me). I love him, but i feel like ive hurt him too much alredy with my stupid temper and angry words.. what sould i do to show him that i realy do care and jus love him soo much???? any ideas people????

Janice 21 months ago

Hi, I've just come across this page and if you don't mind I'd like to share an oponion. I think everytime you feel angry or become upset, stop and relax for a moment before reacting or doing or saying anything. Because once you have done it or said it, you can't take it back. You may think that your husband will love you even if you hurt him but think rather how much you love your husband that you would not want to hurt his feelings. But just so you also would be given the chance to show how you feel you just talk about it instead when you are already calm. It's not easy but when you think about the love you have it should maybe help you get over your pride maybe. I am not yet married though but this is just my opinion.

Abigail 19 months ago

thanks i guess you are right, the best apology would be doing your best not to repeat.. but what if I triggered his anger because i said some things he didn't like.. for example getting jealous of a friend, He always hated fights so he said harsh things in return which could possible be the end of our relationship, he no longer believes in me and keeps saying a lot of hurtful things...things which was out of the topic and he even brought in past problems... what can i do to calm him down... he said I started it and now he wants to finish it...:(

Arielle 16 months ago

Im seventeen and I live with my boyfriend who is a lot older than me. On his facebook he has a lot of girls that he doesn't know who are dressed in sluttly clothing. I know he doesn't talk to them or anything but the fact that he keeps adding them even when I'm ere makes me really self concious and insecure. We argue about it slot because I don't ubderTand why he keeps adding them when he doesn't even talk to them. He added another person today and I made a comment asking why he added her and it turned into a huge fight. I don't know how to explain to him why it makes me feel the way I do, does anyone have any ideas? I hate fighting with him it tears me apart inside and I'm always scared he'll decide thats the end. I need to find a way how to talk to him without him getting angry.

justplainstupid 9 months ago

Ok, I completely agree with everything you said. I do take complete responsibility for our fight. But my wife won't let me appologize the right way. She says she is worried Im not being honest and truly sorry for what I did. Any advice?

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