The Most Difficult Question When to Say I Love You

My husband had the worst time telling me he was in love with me.

For one thing, by the time he felt strongly enough to say so, I was dating someone else - his best friend. The poor guy couldn't say anything because, in his words, "it wouldn't have been the honorable thing to do." That relationship didn't last very long, and my husband might have had a chance with me, but I broke off my romance with his best friend in order to move half the country away without any leftover "mess." And my now-husband said nothing as he watched me drive away.

This was in the days when CDs weren't that common, and CD-writing technology didn't exist yet (we're talking the early ‘90s here), so he sent me a tape of songs that he "knew I'd like." I liked them very much - they were all in a genre we mutually enjoyed (and still do), and I didn't own copies of most of the songs other than his tape. I listened to that tape a lot as I commuted one hour each way to my stagehand job at a dinner theater.

Unfortunately, even with all that listening, memorizing, and singing along, I completely missed the fact that they were all love songs. Totally, utterly, managed not to notice.

Finally, after about ten years of this, and no, I am not exaggerating, he had the chance to tell me. I was visiting my parents for Christmas not far from where he was living. Under a full moon, on the Winter Solstice, with a light snow falling, he finally said "I love you." And he meant it. I said "I love you." And I meant it.

And then I was annoyed because he hadn't said something sooner.

Saying "I love you" to someone for the first time has got to be the scariest part of a budding romance. When do you say it? What if they don't feel the same way? What if you say it too soon and scare him off? What if you say it too late and she's already decided you don't love her and is planning to leave you?

Let's look at some lessons from my story. Hopefully they will answer these questions.

Don't say it when he or she is dating someone else. At minimum, you will look pathetic. At worst, if the object of your affection leaves the relationship for you, you'll be thought of as a "relationship wrecker."

Don't be subtle. If you feel it, say it directly. Don't count on getting your point across through a CD of love songs or a book of romantic poetry. The person you love may be rather dense, like I was.

Otherwise, according to an informal poll of my friends:

Do say so when you feel the impulse from within. Once you've acknowledged to yourself that you're in love, say it out loud to the person of your affection, and say it often.

Do find a romantic setting in which to say "I love you" for the first time. Outside in a light snow four days before Christmas is romantic. On the beach or sitting in front of a fireplace is romantic. A better-than-average restaurant is romantic. In the pet food aisle at Wal-Mart is not romantic.

If you're getting the feeling that he or she is working up to say it themselves. Why wait? Say "I love you" first and you get the privilege of lightly teasing them with "I said it first" for the rest of your relationship!

These are the best possible pieces of advice on when to say "I love you":

When you can't help yourself because it's playing in the back of your head like a broken record in all your conversations.

When your tone of voice says it before you even utter the words.

I can't even add to that.

So, take a deep breath, open your mouth, and good luck!