Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
67Although the majority of domestic abuse survivors are women, men often find themselves in abusive relationships as well. Sadly, men are less likely to step forward and get help during and after the relationship; the shame of having allowed oneself to be abused by a woman (or another man) is just too great in our culture. Even though I will be using male pronouns to refer to the abusive partner in this article for clarity's sake, it is my hope that men in an intolerable situation will see themselves in the following paragraphs and find the strength to walk away. That being said...
I am a survivor of domestic violence.
I didn't want to believe it at first. I was not raised in a violent home, a fact which may very well have saved my life; I did not grow up thinking domestic violence was "normal," and when it started to happen to me, I didn't see any reason to put up with it.
Looking back, the isolation happened first. My second husband Vincent very slowly and very subtly began to control who I saw, who I spoke on the phone with, and what I did pretty early in the relationship. After about six months, he announced he didn't like my parents. Since they lived halfway across the country, my primary form of contact with them was via my home telephone (this was in the 1980's, when cell phones and the Internet weren't part of everyday life yet). If I called them while he was home, he would become enraged, and accuse me of being a little kid that had to check in with Mommy and Daddy all the time, among other cruel things.
After a while, he decided he didn't like my friends, too. It got easier to not see them than to face the hours-long verbally abusive harangues (some of them, literally, lasted all night) he'd use to "punish" me when I got home.
If you find yourself calling or seeing friends and family behind your partner's back because you fear the consequences if he finds out, you're in the early stages of an abusive relationship. Also, if you find yourself editing what's really going on in your life and know you're lying when you say "we're fine," ask yourself why. Odds are, you won't like the answer very much.
I don't remember when the threats to my personal safety, and the safety of my pets, started but they were pretty frightening threats. If you've been reading my hubs for a while, you've probably gotten the correct impression that I am a major animal lover. I remember once one of the cats scratched his hand pretty hard. She was a feral stray I'd rescued from the Humane Society, and she never did learn to tolerate people cornering her and grabbing for her. He gave me a choice: he was either going to grab the cat by the hind legs and bash her brains out on the kitchen wall right then and there, or we (I guess I had to go too, either as part of my "punishment" or to absolve him of responsibility later. Probably both) were going to go for a long drive in the country and drop her off out in the middle of nowhere. I made the only choice I could, the one that gave my cat the best chance of living to see another day. I grabbed my car keys.
And then there was the time he threatened me with a loaded gun for daring to suggest I knew more about a certain subject than he did.
If he's irrationally angry about objects or animals that mean a great deal to you, you're in an abusive relationship. If he threatens you with a weapon, you're definitely in an abusive relationship.
Vincent was a master at coming up with long, convoluted rules for my behavior that would end the abuse if only I'd obey them - and I did try to obey them, until, in another all-night harangue, he'd change them. And then it was my fault for either following or not following the changes. Heck, I couldn't even keep track of 90% of the rules, much less follow them all.
And when I didn't, and it was my fault (so he said) that he was angry with me, the physical abuse started. Shoving, at first, but that quickly escalated to hitting. At that point, and when he also started pressuring me to get pregnant, I left.
If the house or relationship rules that he designs to keep him from "going off" get more and more complicated, contradictory, and/or completely impossible to follow or remember, you are in an abusive relationship.
And of course, after all of these episodes, with the cat, with the gun, and the all-night cutting-me-down sessions, he'd apologize profusely, and swear to never do it again. And because I was a) in love and b) totally convinced (because of his expert manipulations) that his outbursts were totally my fault, I'd believe him. And for a while it would be better. This is what is commonly referred to as the "honeymoon period" in an abusive relationship. And then the controlling behavior and violence starts all over again until pretty soon there are no more "honeymoon periods" at all, and that's when the victims start dying.
If you find yourself caught up in a vicious cycle of domestic bliss, anger, violent outburst, apology, domestic bliss, don't be fooled - you are in an abusive relationship. It's not going to get any better, and if my experience and the statistics mean anything, it is only going to get worse.
I was one of the lucky ones. When I finally broke my silence about what was really happening in my marriage (and don't think for a moment that domestic violence only happens in a state-sanctioned, legal marriage), my family and friends rallied around me and, literally, got me out and in doing so helped me move halfway across the country.
How lucky was I? I'm still alive to write this, aren't I?
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oh i wish there were a lil black book with all the answers in it. it all started june the 2nd 2008 --monday she and i were sitting on the couch "horse" playing with each other--me "spanking" her butt when she farted and her giggling and her poking me--but then it all settled down and she told me she was going fishing with her brother and his wife--i said ok--and she told me she wouldn't be out past dark. so here comes 8:30 pm and i called her on her cell and she told me she was just now getting out there to go fishing cus they had to go to lil tina's baseball game--i said ok being possitive about it--i had said--catch me a big one ! then 11 pm rolls around and i'm getting arrgrivated--i call her up and aksed where she was at--she told me they were still fishing--i said don't you think you ought to be home with your husband ? she got pissed at me and said i have a problem with her doing things with her family--but she knows this isn't so cus every friday without fail they all go bowling together. well becus of her attitude--i hung up on her. 8:30 comes by and i call again as i had taken her dogs out and one of them got away--she normally takes them out. she yells back at me over the phone--what am i doing to her dogs--i hung up on her again cus of her attitude. 11 pm rolls around and i called her up and asked if she could pick me up some ham and cokes for tomorrow for lunch--she yells "no" so i hung up again. i called again at 12:30 am and she yells out to me--to just pack up her clothes and she hangs up on me--well it was about 1 am when she fianlly got home and she got out her brother's truck and i said don't start with me as i'm not in the mood. well she starts off saying i have a problem with her going places with her family--which i really do not and she knows this--she knows i'm not a controlling husband--she's free to do as she pleases. she also starts saying that i'm cheating and that she's seen text messages from other women on my phone--but what she doesn't realise is that those text messages had been forwarded from many others and re--forwarded again--people i have no idea who they are--these were text sex jokes from male co--workers and they had gotten them from others who got the same messages from others--etc--etci tried to explain myself but was cut off and she starts saying i'm cheating cus i had been going up to baton rouge --i was really going to baton rouge to look for side jobs to do to make some extra money so i could throw her a 40th surprise birthday party.something she still doesn't know--the real truth ! and i had a webpage on myspace from 3 years ago when we had seperated again--and on that page i had said--looking for my eve--but i had forgotten hjow to get rid of it and had pretty much forgotten about myspace as it confuses me ! well anyway--she runs toher computer desk and grabs some sleeping pills and downs them--tammy, larry and i all tried to get them out of her mouth--but it was too late--so she takes off to the bedroom and goes to look for cash i had normally kept in the bibble in the chest of drawers but since she was acting this way over the phone with me , i had put all my cash in my wallet , so she yells at me saying i owe her money from last months cell as she fianlly after 23 yrs of being together pays a bill !i told her i had been paying all the bills for all these yrs and she's gonna complain about paying one bill ! so she goes to her computer desk again and grabs some more sleeping pills and downs them--but this time tammy was able to get her to throw them up. my wife starts yelling at me again about some other things i had forgetten exactly what she said and somehow we wound up outside and she shoots inside again and larry yells out she's grabbed another bottle and larry--tammy and i were trying desperatly to get the bottle out of her hand--at this point i was freaking out and i begged and pleaded with her to stop this now but she just looked at me with serious rage in her eys and grabbed the bottle tighter--unfortantly i had twisted her whrist too much and larry told me i broke her whrist--i said no i didn't and he said he heard it snap--so i freaked out and picked her up and put her in larry's truck and he rushed her to the hospital and i followed in my van--a police officer had asked me right away if she was sucidal and to save her ass--i said no---then he called a police officer from our lil city and he got there and he asked the 3 of them if i had intentinally meant to harm her whrist--they all said "no" and so he took off.here i was at the hospital trying to talk to everyone but no one would talk to me--and i asked my wife if she was gonna stay at their house for one night and she said yes--so i went home--i hatye hospitals and i wasn't wanted there anyway. tuesday morning comes and i tried to calle her but her cell was on my sofa--so i called larry and tammy and no one answered. so i called her step mom and her step mom said that the whrist was not broken just spraned and that it was in a sling. wenesday comes and goes and i tried all thurout the day to reach them with no luck--finally wenesday comes and i get a text message saying that it was over with --that i had went to far when i broke her whrist--but it wasn't really broken. well at her job she had just recently gotten the prior month--she had made all new friends and i guess her new found friends were telling her to stay away from me--and tammy has always gotten in out business and no body likes her.i have tried since that faithful day to try to talk to my wife and she keeps saying--it's over--it's over i started to dig thur her stuff and found an old "receipt" that had the company's logo on it and had written on it about her and some guy named john "screwing" that killed me right there and told me this had been going well before the fight had started . previously--i had been working a construction job that had been very tiring and i'd come home so tired--i had to go to sleep for an hour or so and she would always ask me if i wantyed to go do this and that with her--but i was so damn tired to do anything but stay home and rest.and thus i wasn't able to "function" in the bedroom ! i guess by me going up to baton rouge and me not able to function--she had thought that i was cheating--and what made it even worse was that old web page from 3 years ago and all those 3rd and 4th party sex joke text messages--so you can see from somebodies else's perspective how it looks bad! since then she has told everyone that i'm a mean sob and that's she's tired of being treated like a puching bag and get this--i didn't hit her. oh yes--i get angry and have yelled but did not hit her--that's what hurts the most---some women get alot of attention by faslely acuseing their husbands of abuse when none exists at all. yes i will admit i have said some mean things to her but she had said some mean things to me ! she had asked me if their was anybody else and i have told her numerous times their wasn't no one ! so i ask you--how do i go about getting my wife back ? ? ? it will be 3 weeks since she's been gone this monday the 23rd and i miss her dearly--i can't go over to where she works at as she's got everyone there thinking i'm the bad guy--i can't go to her step mom's house as tammy and larry stay there and i'm not sure if my wife is even staying there. one of my friends did go to the place where she works and my wife told him that it was over with and that she was dating now and that she had an apartment of her own now. my wife had just gotten this new better apying job in may and made all new found friends--i'm affraid she's already met someone as my friend has seen "passion" marks all over her neck --that killed me right there ! can some one please help me with this problem--my wife knows i want her back and she knows i love her deeply ? i have problems sleeping at night--i can't cook---i can't even work right thinking about all this shit ! i have actually got on my knees and prayed to god to bring my wife back to me and so far--no luck. in all of our 23
Wow this is a powerful blog.. i was in a mentally abusive relationship. two in a row actually and tacked on at the end a really bad one night situation that almost pushed me to the end of my dating or the ideals of love and marriage.
and by no means do i think mentally abusive is as bad as physical.. its still pretty up there.. its still pretty bad..
i am so glad you spoke up.. and at that could say men are abused too. both messages from my own heart.
Very intense, and fairly helpful. I wish I had read this before I ended up in a battering relationship myself. The man threw me from a moving car, broke my jaw and my hip. Not fun.
And like you, I kept believing it was really my fault, that if I weren't so depressed/annoying/easy to upset, he'd be the loving guy he was before I committed to him. Like you, I'm lucky to be alive.
The part about your cat made me cry.
Christopher 4 years ago
Great thoughts.Good job.Love your hub.